January Blues

Today is a balmy, humid, overcast day in January. No wind. No rain. Just stillness. I feel a like nothing.

Growing up the youngest is not the greatest thing in the world. It is true, I have no complaints. i have the most wonderful and caring older siblings. They have all been good examples, and I have always been an astute observer. I've learned a great deal about life vicariously through so many of their trials and successes. Surely, I've created a little of my own drama along the way, but much was avoided under their tutelage. I am talking about another problem all together.

The reason why incidents and situations occurring in early childhood have such a lasting and profound impact on an individual is because that person did not have the words or language to explain or understand logically. Without the ability to explore the emotional or psychological reasons for the situation the child brain cannot process the varying responses; therefore the feelings are permanent. They are deep.

This is in no way a forum for me to blame everyone else for my sense of helplessness. They were doing what they were supposed to be doing - - growing up and going away to create their own lives. In a way they were blazing a path for me. At the same time, I think my baby and then child brain experienced the loss - - the leaving of each one. My safe world with so many people around me was diminishing one by one until only I was left. I know that a child is very egocentric - at the exact center of the universe - everyone feels that way.

To this day, however, I still feel the sting when someone I know moves away or leaves. When my friend Susan K retired, I felt a whole in the school. When the Petersons moved, I felt like I had somehow contributed to their reasons for leaving. When Toni got married, I began to miss her even though she just teaches up the hall. The biggest feeling of loss I have right now is the fact that Briana has her license and can go away from me. I miss her terribly. What am I going to do when she is truly grown up and on her own?

The fact that I can identify this feeling when it happens and logically explain it to myself and you, dear blog, doesn't make it any less painful; it does, however, allow me to recognize the emotions and talk or write or pray through them. That's a good thing.

Already, I'm feeling a lot better!!