What I Feel Like today

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I'm sick! My legs are heavy. I have a headache. My throat is scratchy. Light hurts. I'm not hungry. I can only tolerate a little noise from my students. I want to go to bed. I need a nap.

Juxtaposed

Today is Friday. The gov wants teachers to teach without pay to save our schools. Hmmm. Well, last I checked I wasn't the CEO taking billion dollar bonuses. I am only paid for 192 days. I'm not rolling in extra money. I am paid well for my time, but I am not that well paid. Others in my profession cannot even afford to buy a home in this economy. When will they be able to grow wealth in order to survive?
Today needs to be over. I want to go home and pick up B and go buy the birthday presents she needs and then go out to eat at Typhoon and drink some good tea. I want to work on my quilt and listen to the radio and sleep in tomorrow. Don will be gone for the next 4 days - - that is okay! Maybe he won't be activated.
I think I'll take Briana to SVDP in the morning and then drive to JaCiva/s to order Mom's birthday cake. That would be productive.
Then I will take B to her party and maybe I'll go to Barbara's house. She is planning a Mardi Gras party. I am absolutely not in the partying mood, but I probably may need a little distraction.
Mardi Gras is a dumb celebration. I cannot get up the required enthusiasm needed to celebrate something so heathen like. I am such a prude. I actually enjoy the austere days of Lent. I got issues.

Funky Day Blues

Today is a Funky Day. The sky is gray; the air is still. I haven't seen my daughter in a while. Briana doesn't need me and I am grateful for that, but I still need to feel needed. I am afraid that when she goes off to wherever he heart desires, I will be a wreck. She has so much potential. I hope that I haven't sheltered her too much. Right now she is afraid of her shadow. She doesn't want to drive or go out or do anything that might be dangerous. She is even afraid to take risks in her school work. Grrrr. I know she can be very creative and effective, but she holds herself back. Briana is my baby - - probably too much of a baby.

The other stuff that is bothering me - -
*Raphael was too young and this was a terrible thing to happen to him.
*Taylor needs to get himself together. I can't be his mother/sister/girlfriend anymore.
*Don doesn't know if he is going to be activated.
*I don't want to go to this conference on Monday.
*I have so much to do before the family reunion.
*I need some new shoes.
*Alex was too young and that was a terrible thing to happen to him.
*I think I need counseling.
*I don't want to teach ESL seniors next year.

Grrrrrrrrr!

If I ruled the world

If I were in charge of the world the first thing I would do away with is alarm clocks. Period!
The second thing I would abolish is hunger - - how? you say. Well, food would become like air. This world is capable of feeding itself with abundance. Food should never be a consideration of survival.
Then, I would make mandatory a period of time that every person works in service of his fellow man. Even people who are disabled or otherwise infirm, can do something. It might just be proofreading or participation in discussion groups, but everyone can do something for one year.
I would make music essential education, and I would make money tied to gold. Nothing more, nothing less.
I would encourage each to perform to his potential and pay them for it.
I would make Bar-Be-Que a fine cuisine.
People would like birds and water and camp fires and hard work and color.
I would make it fashionable to be a good mommy and have home art skills.
I would make all people feel worth and belonging.
I would design a system of checks and balances so that those in the lead actually lead with love.
I would make those that follow enjoy their role and not feel less than critical.
I would get rid of violent video games and movies, and I would take the world "hate" out of the vocabulary.
I would insist that we all get along!
I would make airline tickets affordable.
I would get rid of pollution and have clean energy.
I would have people plant trees and clean up their yards and take down the Christmas lights two weeks after Christmas.
I would find a cure for cancer.
I would encourage dental hygiene.
I would make summer longer without forfeiting the wonderful fall days when the marching band is playing and football is in the air. I would keep winter just the way it is except everyone would have a warm and safe home to snuggle down into at the end of the day. I would not let Spring come too late.
I would invite all people to plant a garden and tend it and enjoy the magic of growing something.
I would drink wine from grapes that are fat and juicy.
I would wear only comfortable clothes.
I would make smoking painful.
I would make child abusers and rapists live together and work for the health and welfare of pigs until they identified with the pigs. Then I would help them reform themselves and give them relevant meaning.
I would end abortion. No one would ever not want her baby.
I would make the street sweeper laugh and the wealthy man share because he wants to, not because he has to.
I would end war.
I would make it sacred to honor beautiful architecture and innovation and art.
Over all this, I would make the world grateful for all these amazing gifts. I would encourage all people to worship God however they want to as long as hating someone else was not involved.
I would keep Briana young all the while still encouraging her to grow up happy and healthy with a desire to go and do and learn and explore and feel safe.
Afterwards, I would just enjoy the view of some snowy mountain range or beautiful sunset. My work would be done.

Questions and Ethical dilemmas

Yesterday I went ot Alex Macomber's Memorial. Denise and I traveled up to Maple Valley, WA to the beautiful little park where a gathering of Alex's family and friends were there to remember this wonderful and challenging 18 year old who died of an incurable lymphoma. I have all kinds of questions and dilemmas about the whole thing. But first a little background. Alex was my student during the 05-06 school year at DDHS. He was a sophomore. In my class he was a bright, cocky, talkative, self-posessed showman with a sailor's vocabulary. He smoked. He cursed. He had sketchy family which I later found out was just that - sketchy. He was a brilliant writer. He wrote some astounding stuff , and in his mind, said well, I can write, so he really didn't feel the need to writie anymore. During that year he told me and everyone else for that matter that he had had sex with Megan, a really cute senior girl. Loudly announcing this in the hall in from of my classroom, I could not believe his audacity. I got him back, though. I said to him that at least he picked a pretty girl for his first. He had no comeback! He walked with a little strut and sported his black extreme rock band persona typical of the Tacoma/Seattle area. He drove me nuts in class, yet I loved our time together. There was something bigger and bolder to this little punky fringe kid - - just the kind of student I like. During that time Taylor Rose was a senior and needing lots of my time. I'll explain Taylor in some other post. Suffice it to say, I felt emotionally drained by the end of that school year.
Okay, so time passed. Alex did not return to DDHS for his junior year. I have learned since then that he went back to live with his mom in Tacoma. During that time, Alex didn't really go to school; instead, he moved to an apartment, got a girlfriend, worked at McDonald's or somewhere, played his guitar, maybe even got his GED. Somewhere along the line, he realized that if he wanted the full life that he had envisioned, he was going to have to go back to school and take the necessary steps to that end. He showed up back at DDHS in January of 2008. He had an enormous number of credits to recover. The problem was this: he had been living on his own as an adult for about 18 months - -shoot, he was an adult. High school drama and intentions were so far below him, that he felt like an alien. Denise put him in my room as a TA so we got lots of time to chat and catch up. Alex sought me out after school to talk. On time I asked him why he was spending his time with a middle-aged white woman. He said he didn's have anyone to talk to. Crazy!
Okay, so it's March, and Alex was sitting at my desk grading some meaningless busy work, and I looked at him. He was the wrong color. His skin was yellowing gray - - sort of like old newspapers that have been left in the sun. He was alamingly skinny. I think everyone was noticing this at the same time - - Mariah, Dill, his dad, Denise. Here's the weird part. That morning when I saw his yellow skin, he had a aura. Now I know that sounds like new age mumbojumbo, and I am suposed to be this traditional Catholic woman. Alex emitted an aura - - it was a gray and pale yellow radiation. It was faint, and, if it was alive, I'd say it looked like it was gasping for breath. An overwhelming feeling that this person is not going to be with us for long came over me. I told Denise about it that day. That spring break he went to the doctor up in Tacoma and got four pints of blood. He was wasting away. After several tests they finally pinned down that he had this extremely rare T Cell lymphoma in May. Alex wanted to fight this thing, and at the same time I think he knew that it was futile. He came back to see me one more time that school year. He brought Desiree with him - - he was so pale and skinny and obviously in pain. The MERGE students in my class were stunned at his appearance. For the rest of the year I felt a dread; more than that; I knew Alex wasn't going to make it, but I wanted him to hope. I wanted to hope. It felt like the world was going to end. Really, what was the point of living. Alex knew this already, but he didn't want other people to give up hope, so he had to stuff that feeling so others could go on. I don't know if that is what he really felt; I hope it is. Another dilemma.
All summer long, I half waited for the phone call or email that Alex had either beat this thing or had taken a turn for the worse. I knew it would be the latter, but I hoped for the better of the two outcomes. School started this fall, and here is another Macomber in my class. It's Max, Alex's younger brother. In the beginning of September, Alex and Desiree and Max came to see me. Alex was puffy and swollen from the drugs, but he wanted to touch base with me. He also wanted me to keep an eye on Max. It turns out that Max was a perfect match for a bone marrow transplant. He was going to go into the hospital to November or December to donate the stem cells to Alex to see if it could help him. Max was also ready and willing to donate a kidney if Alex needed one. Here was Max, a quiet old soul sitting in my room full of unruly immature sophomore fish bait. He was nothing and everything like Alex. Well, all first semester, Max kept me posted on Alex's progress. When it came time for the prrocedure, Max missed a lot of school - - oh, well - - the life learning was huge for both of them. Hell, it was huge for me. Max is teaching me so much. He is a soldier - loyal and willing.
So the transplant took place in December, when Alex was strong enough to go through the procedure. At first things looked like they were going well. Max came back to school--there was hope in his eyes, but he was cautious. Weeks passed and Alex had to have a trach and was on a respirator. He took a turn for the worse again in late January. He made the decision to take himself off the respirator. About 18 hours later, he died.
Okay, so here are my questions. What about HOPE? What about Max? He tried to save his brother's life, and it didn't work. How will he live with that? Did Alex make the right decision? Is 18 too young to make that decision? Was he counseled about what his options were? Was it a question of whether or not insurance or money would be available? If he knew that it was futile, did he go through chemo and the transplant to supplicate the hope of his family? How can I protect Max? After all, Max is the one left to endure the world and all its troubles. Max had to comfort me when I wanted to comfort him. I love that kid - - more than I loved Alex. What can I do for Max?

Today is Friday, February 6th.  My students are all listening to the tape of THE GOOD EARTH.  It is a captivating story.  

Yesterday, Briana got her permit, and I was so relieved.  Now she can learn to drive and begin some independence.  I am excited for her freedom, yet, I am very sad.  This is the beginning of the end.  Soon, Beanie will be going places without me; she will be working and planning and gathering the world from a perspective other than mine.  I want all this for her - - but I haven't had enough time with her.  She is a joy!  She is respectful, thoughtful, intelligent, not very observant, happy, uncertain and sure - - A typical teenager?  Not so much.  I think she likes us.  Why would anyone like us?  Don is focused on boats and his cats, and I fret over my students and the laundry.  We are a bit old-fashioned, and we don't do anything fun.  Still, she likes us.  Weird.

This is my first attempt at blogging, so please be patient.