January Blues

Today is a balmy, humid, overcast day in January. No wind. No rain. Just stillness. I feel a like nothing.

Growing up the youngest is not the greatest thing in the world. It is true, I have no complaints. i have the most wonderful and caring older siblings. They have all been good examples, and I have always been an astute observer. I've learned a great deal about life vicariously through so many of their trials and successes. Surely, I've created a little of my own drama along the way, but much was avoided under their tutelage. I am talking about another problem all together.

The reason why incidents and situations occurring in early childhood have such a lasting and profound impact on an individual is because that person did not have the words or language to explain or understand logically. Without the ability to explore the emotional or psychological reasons for the situation the child brain cannot process the varying responses; therefore the feelings are permanent. They are deep.

This is in no way a forum for me to blame everyone else for my sense of helplessness. They were doing what they were supposed to be doing - - growing up and going away to create their own lives. In a way they were blazing a path for me. At the same time, I think my baby and then child brain experienced the loss - - the leaving of each one. My safe world with so many people around me was diminishing one by one until only I was left. I know that a child is very egocentric - at the exact center of the universe - everyone feels that way.

To this day, however, I still feel the sting when someone I know moves away or leaves. When my friend Susan K retired, I felt a whole in the school. When the Petersons moved, I felt like I had somehow contributed to their reasons for leaving. When Toni got married, I began to miss her even though she just teaches up the hall. The biggest feeling of loss I have right now is the fact that Briana has her license and can go away from me. I miss her terribly. What am I going to do when she is truly grown up and on her own?

The fact that I can identify this feeling when it happens and logically explain it to myself and you, dear blog, doesn't make it any less painful; it does, however, allow me to recognize the emotions and talk or write or pray through them. That's a good thing.

Already, I'm feeling a lot better!!

I've been reading about personality disorders lately. I'm not talking about character flaws or personality traits; these are real disorders. Clinically, these can be proven, and with some treatment and/or therapy some can be reversed. What is so interesting is that the characteristics of the disorders are very subjective, yet they are clearly a part of the whole thing. When would a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, say, know that he needs psychiatric help when his disorder prevents him for understanding what a disorder is? Do other people have to have a sort of intervention on this person? Are family practitioners trained enough to spot the symptoms and not just treat the symptoms but see them as part of the disorder? Does this person have to experience some kind of psychotic break before enough attention is paid that could diagnose the real problem? What if nothing really big ever happens to the person? Does he go his whole life just being that quirky neighbor or annoying sibling?
I realize that some disorders and diseases really don't need intensive treatment. Those people can live a normalish life. Not everyone has to have the perfect 85 years of bliss and peace on this planet. My biggest concern is for the loved ones of the person with the disorder. Children are influenced; spouses are burdened; coworkers can sometimes be blind-sided.

There are so many disorders out there. Today, anything can be a disorder. You have a desire to wash your hands a lot - - - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. You keep all your extra boxes and containers - - Hoarding disorder!! You think you are more important than other people - - Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You get really mad- - Emotional disorder. You get really really mad - - Severe Emotional Disorder!! You don't like leaning over the railing of a really tall building - - Height phobia!! With so many disorders, phobias, syndromes, and disturbances out there, I think a person with no disorders must be considered as having some sort of "no disorder disorder." He would obviously be the rarer of the bunch.

Just my thoughts!!